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Marital discords, violence and murders

Marital discords, violence and murders

Marriage is a contract between two committed adults. And that is the base on which a family is formed and hence  institutionalised. 

When does it become a problematic affair or the partners for life turn abusers or murderers? 

The most common factors are;

I. Financial issues

 The most damaging factor in Indian marriages is the dowry system. How shameful it is for the girl that her parents give a guy money to take care of her for a lifetime?  As if she is a burden to be borne. Instead of dowry parents should give her education and help her to be financially independent. 
 Never marry for sustenance. Instead be financially independent. The concept of marriage is not at all about caregiving. Nor is it a sort of rehabilitation. It is and should be a partnership.  

2. Jealousy
Extramarital relationships and jealousy were there from time immemorial. Remember the Shakespearean tragedy 'Othello'. 
It is important to know the signs of a toxic relationship. It is not wise to stay in a  abusive or toxic relationship. Get professional help if needed.

Some other factors that causes marital discords are;

1. Role confusion
Traditionally there were well defined roles in a marriage. Man was deemed as the provider and woman the nurturer.  Women were completely dependent on men for sustenance. There was not much scope for discontentment. As girls got to be educated and be financially independent, the role definitions started to blur. 
 There needn't be any stringent role definitions in the current scenario. The dynamics of each marriage is different as each person is different. Take decisions wisely, or take professional help.  

2. Lack of Mutual respect
 As it is a contract, the first and foremost factor in a marriage is mutual respect. Mutual respect is giving and respecting partner's personal spaces and preferences. No contract can stand without that. If mutual respect is lost it is very difficult to maintain the contract. 
3.  Parental influence
Parental interference is a major source of problems in marriages in India. Continuously interfering in affairs of married son or daughter is ridiculous. Parents see the married life of their son or daughter as an extension of their school or college days, where they used to give instructions lavishly to their children. They, out of love or rather possessiveness, forget that they are intruding into another family and any such intrusions cause trouble. 
It is better to leave the couple to sort out issues between themselves. Or let them take the help of a third party or a professional.

4. Lack of Commitment. 
Staying committed means to be ready to sort out problems as and when they occur and negotiate to find mutually agreeable ways to move forward. If you can't stay committed to the spouse and the marriage, better don't get married. 
In Indian conditions, often, it is parents who take decisions and staying out of marriage is a very difficult for a young person. But, it is important not to take the plunge if you are not ready for commitment.

5. Diminishing Marital satisfaction
The graph of marital satisfaction is a 'U' curve. It decreases gradually, hit a low around middle ages, and then gradually increases. The initial attraction diminishes after a few years, and then responsibilities and other commitments makes it hit a low. Then towards old age companionship builds gradually.
 It is vital to keep this important factor in mind that it takes patience and understanding to set the sails right during middle years.

Individuals usually tolerate abusive marriages because of these major factors; 

1. Social stigma of broken marriages
Often it is the stigma attached to divorces that prompt people to stay in abusive marriages. But, never forget that life is far more important. You are the best judge of your life. 

2. Children
Another factor is children. Of course children are the most affected in broken marriages. But it is even more harmful for them to be the spectators of real ugly altercations between their parents. In such cases it is better to part ways. But, let the children stay away from the ugly exchanges. Never talk bad about their father or mother. If possible co-operate in the affairs of children.

However romantic the love affair is, however dramatic the proposal is, and however auspicious the venue and time of the wedding is, marriages are still happening on earth, not in heaven. And hence, are prone to imperfections. It is not wise to leave a relationship on issues that can be sorted out, but it is damaging to stay in an abusive relationship. 
Though, marriage is a contract there are a lot of unaccounted factors that go on to strengthen the bond. Love, care, companionship. Always keep in mind that marriage is the union of two individuals coming from different family backgrounds. It takes time to know each other and form a bond.  Be patient and work together to form a strong bond.
 
Preetha Raj

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