Healing after Broken Relationships
"Life is the flower for which love is honey" - wrote the great french novelist Victor Hugo.
Love is beautiful. Love is the driving force of life. Love is omnipresent. It is everywhere around you.. There are any number of poems and songs about love.
People do crazy things for love. When you fall in love, the focus is that particular person. Everything else is out of focus. Your days, thoughts, feelings, everything revolve around that person. You spend a lot of time, energy and most of the time money in the relationship. When you end up in a breakup that intensifies your misery.
They say lovers think with their hearts; those little red pulsating hearts. Is it true.? Let me be a bit unromantic here and speak a little about the science of love , the chemistry of love to be specific.
Researches have discovered that the initial attraction is caused by any or a combination of hormones, dopamine, serotonin, oxytocin, estrogen and testosterone.
Relationships typically start with chemistry, but need more work to establish. For relationships to progress beyond the initial intense attraction, trust, commitment and mutual respect must follow. Trust is knowing your partner is there for you and he/ she is someone you can count on, Commitment is knowing there is no one else you would rather be with, and vice versa. mutual respect is essential not just in romantic , but in any relationship.
So, the fact that falling in love is easy, but to keep it is a bit tough. If anything goes wrong and you end up in a break up, it is definitely stressful. Any stressful situation can be managed in a step by step manner.
If you can avoid a stressful situation well, good. Or can you alter the situation you are in? If possible do it. Some adjustments in behaviour or thinking can sometimes decrease the stress.
But there are certain situations, that are not at all in your control. There is only one option available for you, that is to accept it as it is and move on.
Breaking up with your partner is losing that person, breaking the bond and invariably causes grief. Whether it is a breakup from a boyfriend, girlfriend, spouse, life partner or even a
best friend, it takes time for wounds to heal.
We will see the various stages of grief after a breakup
Denial
Anger
Bargaining
Depression
Acceptance
These are the natural ways for your heart to heal.
Denial
No- it is not happening
Denial is your brain's automatic response to unwanted news. Denial gives your heart time to adjust to the new situation. In the denial phase you may think that your significant other is coming back to you. Everybody spends different amounts of
time in the denial phase.
Anger
It is normal to be angry at your former partner. You may resent him/her for causing you pain or for breaking up your family. It is important in this phase not to make any rash decisions that you may later regret. Remember life is the most important gift you have and it is your responsibility to keep it safe. Remember the best revenge is to move on with your life without your ex. Resorting to revenge porn , physical aggression etc might end up with you inside the bars , spoiling your life and living a life with guilt gnawing upon you.
Wait until you are less emotional.
It's important to manage anger. You can use deep breathing to control your anger. Also it is a good idea to write down your feelings on a piece of paper which you may tear down later. Regular physical exercises also help to work through your anger.
Bargaining
In the bargaining phase you will try to restore your relationship or perhaps rebuild it as a friendship. This can be disastrous.
No, the universe is not going to conspire with you to realise your dreams. Don't get carried away by the popular quote from the Alchemist. I mention this here because many times I came across young people passionately holding on to these words as a mantra for success. The universe doesn't have enough time to conspire for millions for dream realisations. We hear about people doing crazy things to make things their way and adamant not to take no for answers.
Trying to befriend especially soon after the breakup, will only keep the pain fresh.Stop following your ex on social media.
Try to build your life without your ex. Shift focuses on all unfinished tasks, studies or career, family and friends.
Depression
It's normal to be sad. At this point in your grieving, you come to terms with the fact that the situation is not going to change. This is a time for reflection. You may want to be alone. Remember that the kindness of others is not intended to upset you. Instead, rely on your support system to
keep you distracted from your grief.
Resist the temptation to turn to drugs, alcohol or food. Those habits can be destructive. Rather, eat well,
sleep well and exercise regularly.
1. Stick to a routine.
Sticking to a routine gives you some control over yourself, your day, your life.
2. Physical exercise
We all know that physical exercise is beneficial and important to our health. Also it helps to be in shape and boost our self-confidence. Exercise release endorphins or 'happy hormones' in the body that gives the feel good feeling.
3. Eat healthy
Eat healthy nutritious food. Drink plenty of water.
4. Relaxation exercises
Deep breaths, meditation, Mindfulness.
Or you can download guided relaxation audios
5. Social interactions
Talk to friends and loved ones. Expand your network. Stay connected with like minded people. Networking can be useful later.
6. Find time for hobbies, or interests.
Music, dance, movies, painting, gardening, healthy cooking, craft etc .Maybe a hobby or passion can earn you a living.
7. Keep your humour sense intact.
Try to take things a little lightly. Remember, laughter is the best medicine for wellness.
8. Be grateful
Be grateful for what you have. Remember we need only very little to live. This lockdown at least reminded you of that. Count your blessings.
9. Forgive.
Easier said than done. But, forgive that politician who messed up the preparedness, forgive the person whose carelessness caused a wide spread. It takes away the heaviness from your mind.
Acceptance
It's natural to harbor a place in your heart for loved ones. Special relationships make you who you are. However, in the final stage of grief after a breakup, you will begin to piece together what happened,
accept the breakup and acknowledge the part you played in it.Using this as an opportunity to learn from mistakes from the past and carry those lessons into the future.
This is the healthiest way to fully accept a breakup and grow as an individual. The pain may not be gone completely yet, but time will heal those wounds.
I would like to bring forth the quote which we started with. Life is the flower for which love is honey. Exactly. Remember, without the flower, no honey. The flower of Life can remain beautiful even without honey, and is capable of producing fresh nectar. In short, keep a healthy mind and body, keep hope and an optimistic outlook.
Preetha Raj
Image: istock
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